Soup Review: Progresso Chicken Corn Chower
I like soup. It takes minimal effort to eat. It is inexpensive. And it’s warm—I like warm things. Except when it’s 65 degrees in the heart of winter, which is BS, and I really should get a refund for living in New York because I want seasons, not the perpetually boring, not-hot-not-cold, never-ending springtime I’m in now, which also skews the purpose and meaning of spring (new beginnings!) and basically ruins everyone’s life. This is not how global warming works, and it needs to stop RIGHT NOW.
But back to soup, which I still ate today, despite the “gorgeous” weather. I normally stick to Campbell’s Chunky soup because “it’s a meal in a can,” and it makes me feel healthier than a pastrami sandwich ever could. My go-to was the chicken corn chowder, but I’ve eaten that, probably, over 80 times since my senior year of college. So, I tried something new today: Progresso Chicken Corn Chowder.
Here is my review:
If Campbell’s Chicken Corn Chowder is akin to swimming the Great Barrier Reef with one’s mouth and eyes agape, Progresso’s Corn Chowder is like looking at and breathing in the Rocky Mountains—a stunning uniformity, but equally beautiful nonetheless. The bits of bacon flavoring, which don’t appear in every possibly-life-changing spoonful (for, why else would you concern yourself with the consumption of soup?), are a lone mountain lion or ram, spotting the twisted-rock and snow-clad wilderness that God must’ve created to show humanity His true, awesome power. In the ecosystem that is the soup business—a system of exchange as cruel and often unrewarding as the cross-country voyages our ancestors braved to colonize the humbling, horrific frontier we now know as the “West”—Campbell’s and Progresso chicken corn chowders are equally necessary affirmations of life. They can’t exist without each other, and—o!—we would not ever want to be faced with such a tragic circumstance.
10:28 pm • 1 February 2012
Spurs-Mavericks Live Blog
Somewhere between 6:00 and 4:30: I am bored. That is why this is happening. Also, the game’s at commercial, so I don’t know how much time is left.
5:20: Gary Neal, Matt Bonner, and Thiago Splitter are dominating the team that won the 2011 NBA Championship.
3:30: Gary Neal is not someone I would trust to not be a serial killer (because he has two first names), but he is, currently, at this exact moment, the best basketball player in the world.
2:47: Thiago Splitter trips on his own arm and crumples into a pile of bones and skin. Spurs get the ball after the refs call a foul on Ian Mahinmi. Phew?
1:55: “Richard Jefferson is loving this,” says Dan Shulman, of the Spurs’ bench-led comeback. Yes, who wouldn’t love to see a bunch of young guys taking your job right in front of your eyes? That is a fun Sunday night.
1:22: Jason Terry has 28 points on, according to me, 57 shots. According to the stat-man, however, he’s only taken 20.
1:22: Oh! The score is 89-85. That should not matter.
1:20: I will not be live-blogging the X Games BECAUSE THE X GAMES WILL NOT BE LIVEB-LOGGED.
0:0: WHAT THE HELL. WHAT THE HELL. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT IS BASKETBALL.
LIMBO TIME: My recap of the hyper-crazy final 45 seconds didn’t save. But a lot of weird shit happened, and regulation ended with the teams tied.
5:00: Mavs win the tip. Therefore they have a 50-percent chance of winning the game.
3:21: The Spurs are still going with the happy-Richard-Jefferson lineup, which means Richard Jefferson isn’t playing (neither is Duncan or Parker).
3:21: The refs are spending a ton of time on a disputed out-of-bounds call. So, to go back to the end of regulation, Beaubois hit on two nice dash-and-toss drives. Jason Terry hit a Jason Terry fadeaway. Then Danny Green hit a turn-around at the buzzer, but the refs waived it off.
2:50: Gary Neal is not the best basketball player in the world, right now.
2:10: Danny Green and Vince Carter went to the same college, so Danny Green let Vince Carter steal the ball from him.
1:46 Danny Green is vaguely resembling a professional basketball player in the fourth-plus-OT. Also: Splitter is big and not-completely-terrible.
1:26: Matt Bonner guarding Shawn Marion is not something you can un-see.
1:18: Danny Green takes Beaubois to the hoop and scores. Danny Green is now resembling a competent professional basketball player.
1:18: Sal Masekela’s audio wasn’t really working during that timeout. No one cares.
1:07: A Dirk bundle-drive somehow ends up in the net to cut the deficit to one. He let the ball go from his hip, I’m pretty sure.
0:41: Jason Terry hit an un-Jason-Terry shot (that is: wide open) to give the Mavs the lead.
0:17: Marion stuffs Neal on the drive. And then Terry passes up a wide-open three, so the Spurs have to foul. That was the hardest thing Jason Terry has ever had to do. Jason Terry makes both free throws.
0:17: Inspired by that Heath Frisby (who is a human being) promo, Gary Neal drives around Marion, hits a layup, and gets fouled by Marion. Kawhi Leonard comes in for Bonner. First Spurs sub since the third quarter. Neal misses the free throw because he felt bad for Matt Bonner and doesn’t like (but doesn’t really hate, either) Kawhi Leonard.
0:11: Mahinmi at the line. He misses the first and second because he likes to have fun.
GAME OVER (Dallas 101, San Antonio 100): Matt Bonner can’t shake Vince Carter. Bonner loses the ball. Green saves it but runs into the stupid idiot ref. Green rushes back toward the three-point line and hits side-rim. A Danny Green chuck is a fitting end to this game, and that is a compliment. Enjoy doing something that doesn’t involve Sal Masekela!
8:48 pm • 29 January 2012
“It certainly sounds like the Giants’ special teams players were told about Williams’s history of concussions, and that they went after him because of it. (That this has so far drawn no attention from beat reporters suggests that such planning is commonplace). It’s impossible to know whether Thomas is right — if Williams in fact was concussed or woozy during the game — but he didn’t look himself yesterday: There was the third-quarter punt that skimmed off his knee after he seemed to dawdle, unsure whether to pick it up or let it roll, and at least two punts that he fair-caught though he had plenty of room to run.”
Benjamin Wallace-Wells at NYMag.com
It’s way too easy to watch this sport, way too easy to forget that each play is probably cutting some time off of each guy’s life. Can someone explain to me why we still watch? I can’t, but I’m still watching—and I really don’t think there’s any explanation that’ll make me feel any better. I’ll say it again: these guys won’t ever be paid enough.
5:46 pm • 24 January 2012 • 1 note
This is beautiful. And by “beauitful,” I mean WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE I AM REALLY SCARED AND I WANT TO CRY AND FASHION IS WHATTTTTTTTT.
Do not look at this slideshow.
4:01 pm • 23 January 2012
NFL Conference Championship Predictions
Ravens at Patriots: Per Darren Rovell: “Baltimore Ravens QB Joe Flacco has the same 1st & middle name (Vincent) as Joe Paterno.” Yes, this is important. Patriots win.
Giants at 49ers: Per (Imaginary) Darren Rovell: “Eli Manning’s 1st and last name have the same number of letters in them as do Joe Paterno’s. The prefix of Manning is ‘man.’ The prefix of ‘Paterno’ is ‘pater,’ meaning ‘father.’ Man. Father. Coincidence? Highly doubtful.” This is also important. 49ers win.
1:15 pm • 22 January 2012 • 1 note
“I want to tell Paterno my theory that he’s the Mister Rogers of sports. Stubborn and courageous, anachronistic on purpose, living on a frequency the rest of us have trouble hearing. I have so much to say. But he’s stuck on point number one: How come so many people get so wrapped up in college sports?”
— Jeanne Marie Laskas in ‘07 on Joe Paterno (1926-2012)
12:38 pm • 22 January 2012
A few things:
1- Oakley’s arms are huge. Look at how small Hardaway’s hands look.
2- I don’t remember Voshon Lenard not being short.
3- Credit to Van Gundy for not biting Alonzo Mourning’s calf. That had to be tempting.
4- Also credit to Van Gundy for not wearing white tube socks, which is what you would assume he’d be wearing in this situation.
5- MISS YOU JVG.
Today is the 50th birthday of Jeff Van Gundy. The former Knicks and Rockets coach may be best remembered for his role in the famous Knicks-Heat brawl of May 1998. As Charles Oakley and Alonzo Mourning squared off, Van Gundy famously grabbed onto Mourning’s leg to prevent the fight. Van Gundy is now an analyst for ESPN’s coverage of the NBA. (Jeff Christensen/Reuters)
SI VAULT: Van Gundy is easy to mock, but he’s shrewd and fearless (10.30.00)
3:15 pm • 19 January 2012 • 1,713 notes
I enjoy this picture. The President is a vampire. His wife is scared, I think? But you can’t keep someone from biting you just by opening your mouth and miming the same biting motion said biter is about to unleash on your neck. This is VAMPIRE PROTECTION 101. We are screwed.
Mr. President shows his love. Happy birthday, Michelle!
Guess whose birthday it is today? (Hint: she sometimes goes by “FLOTUS.”) Take a second to sign her card.
10:06 pm • 17 January 2012 • 2,664 notes